So, I had another entire blog post written and for some reason I could't press the publish button. I saved it as a draft and kept coming back to it, but could never actually post. Something was stopping me from doing so. Now, I'm actually really glad that I never pressed that button. Because since I wrote that post, I have had a revelation. Cue dramatic music.
My first draft consisted of me going on and on about not being able to make up my mind about what to go back to school for. I wrote that I had been hovering over a few ideas but could never quite land on one. I wrote about feeling frustrated because ever since my diagnosis two years ago, I feel as if my life hit a sudden stop. I was told by everyone that I had to make a lot of adjustments to my lifestyle in order to manage this illness. I absolutely did not want to hear any of that. I told myself that I wouldn't have to change anything; that I could still do all of the things I want to do. Basically, I was in denial. I pounded my head against a brink wall for the past two and a half years. Well in the words of the War Doctor.... No More.
First off, I can't take total credit for my life revelation. One of my best friends in the entire world and one of my several soul mates on this earth said something to me in casual conversation that led me to this epiphany. So I have to stop here and say to her....thank you Kristin. You are irreplaceable and I love you with all of my heart. My revelation was that I would never work a traditional or "normal" job ever again. Unless a cure came about for Fibromyalgia sometime down the road, then more than likely I wouldn't. Excuse the cliche statement, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. (I wonder where that saying came from exactly? You know there's a story there. Probably full of drinking and regret.) Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that everyone with this illness will never be able to work traditionally. Each person has to decide and figure out what they can do on an individual level. There are also different levels of FM. It effects everyone differently is what I'm haphazardly trying to say.
Since I began having problems with my health, I tried working several jobs where people depended on me to be able to do my job. Hell, to just show up! As I've written before, this illness is so unpredictable. Just the other day, I went out exploring our new city with Bryant and the day started out wonderful. I was in minimal pain and had decent energy. Then all of a sudden, BAM! My pain scale rocketed upwards and my energy plummeted. And that was the end of our exploration. I can have the tendency to let people down so those jobs just didn't work. But I was too stubborn to realize it. I kept wracking my brain trying to figure out what I could do that A) I was passionate about, B) Would make me feel like a productive member of society and C) Would make me feel as if I was contributing to the care of my family. I was spinning my wheels and it was driving me insane. Until my conversation with my friend. I honestly can't remember the exact words that were spoken, maybe she remembers, but after said realization it took me awhile to well.....not cry about it. I felt as if my future was still way up in the air and completely uncertain. But then, something amazing happened. I let it go. (Please forgive the blatant Frozen quote.) And the moment I did that, I felt this huge relief. The world I was carrying on my shoulders and the stress inducing feelings of trying to be "normal" melted away.
Now instead of having to land on a school goal, I had to land on a 'what non-traditional, possibly work from home' type of career can I do? Truth is, I've always loved to write. The entire reason I began this blog was to have another creative outlet for all of my pint up energy. I've always been afraid of calling myself a writer, or to try to parlay my love of words into an actual career. I mean, the audacity that I could even think that I could be somewhat successful?!?! How dare I?! That was, somewhat hyperbolically, what I would say to myself when I would dare to consider making a career out of this. Kristin said something interesting during that conversation that made me think about fate. Call it God, call it the Universe, call it whatever you want, but what if one reason I have this illness is to force me to do the thing that I've always wanted to do. I'm not 100% how I feel about it, but it does give me another silver lining to all of this. And as you well know, I'm always in the mood for those. For whatever reason, I am now pursuing my dream. So in a sense, I had two life revelations. I think that's about all I can handle at the moment. Too many more of them and those bricks really start to hurt.
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