The Love of a Dog

We lost our sweet boy Cotton a few weeks ago. I couldn't bring myself to write this post until now, and I'm sure I will still be shedding a few tears as I do so. We adopted Cotton from the Greenville Humane Society which is incidentally where I was working at the time. We had already had Prince (we also adopted him from the same place years before I began working there) for two years and wanted to adopt another dog not only for ourselves, but for Prince as well. We wanted him to have a little brother or sister to play with. For weeks I sent Bryant pictures of little puppies from work. Luckily, I was privy to the incoming pups before they were put out on the adoption floor. We did try getting an older dog but Prince did not get along with them very well. Bryant responded no to each of my text messages until I sent him a picture of Cotton. His reply? I'm on my way. I was also lucky enough to run a program that enabled me to keep holds on certain dogs for people on a special list. I totally abused that power and kept Cotton out of the limelight until Bryant could come down to meet him. Bryant arrived fairly shortly after the texts, took one look at Cotton, and said, This is our boy, Mama. And it was done. Bryant and my brother who was visiting at the time took him home that very day.

Jump ahead to a few weeks after his adoption and you come to a scene of Cotton jumping from our futon in the living room straight onto Prince's back. They had bonded immediately and were very protective of each other. They loved to play rough and tumble. They were our boys. We could tell straight away that Cotton was going to be a handful. I employed a lot of the same training techniques that I used with Prince and well....let's just say they didn't all stick. He was into everything! At four months old, over Christmas at my in law's house, he fractured his leg. This led to a $2,000 dollar vet bill for x-rays and surgery. Over the years we were constantly taking him in for eating things he shouldn't have. Anytime he saw another dog he went in-sane! No, I mean properly loose his crazy mind insane. I've never *seen* a dog go that nuts. We were mystified because he saw another dog every day of his life! When he got excited for walks or rides he would "talk" to us. I have this on film and I still haven't been able to bring myself to watch them. Maybe soon. Maybe not. Anytime I was on the phone with someone they would constantly hear me saying, Cotton, no! or Cotton, stop! We called him our Marley. 

A while back, we noticed that he wasn't acting his usual hyper self. For the first few days, we figured it was his tummy again; getting into something he shouldn't have. I gave him the tummy medicine I had learned to keep on hand at home, but it didn't seem to do any good. He didn't want to go on walks, or want to go outside period. He would only get so far before he tired out. He didn't want to eat or drink. All he wanted to do, was to lay around and sleep. We hadn't found a vet here in Atlanta because up until then, we had no cause to go to one. We were going back home that Monday so we decided to take him to his regular vet in Valdosta where I used to work. (Animal Health Center ) I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was seriously wrong. Call it mother's intuition. So, I took him to see Dr. Moseley, whom I trust implicitly, to get some tests done. The gut feeling was right. It wasn't good. You see, a dog's hermaticrit (or Red Blood Cell Count) is supposed to be around 30-35% and his was at 5%. Dr. Moseley said he never saw a dog with a percentage that low able to walk around and even wag their tail like Cotton did. We decided to give him a blood transfusion (in which Dr. Moseley rushed his own dog, Albi, up to the clinic to be the donor and we are forever grateful for this.) We were hopeful that this boost would help him start to produce his own RBCs again. And it did work....for a time. 

We got about another month of being with our boy before his body just couldn't fight it anymore. The blood transfusion lasted as long as it could. We pampered him even more than normal and "normal" was a significant amount. He was so spoiled! We noticed him starting to go down again, but waited until he told us it was time. Well, that came on a day when Bryant and I decided to go out for a couple of hours to run some errands. We walked into our apartment to Cotton up on our bed and diarrhea *everywhere*. He was whimpering and didn't want to move at all. I knew it was time. He was letting me know. I called Dr. Moseley because I knew I could trust what he would have to tell me. It's like I couldn't make the decision on my own. I had to get confirmation that I was doing the right thing. He confirmed my feelings and I hung up and broke down. My poor boy. 

We took him to a vet clinic called Pets Are People Too and we spent time alone with him in the room until we were ready. Our precious boy passed away with his head in his Mama's lap and his Daddy holding his paw. My heart could barely take it. We only got four short years with him, but even knowing what I know now, I would do it all over again and wouldn't trade those years for anything in the world. When things like this happens I ask myself, Why do we do this to ourselves? Adopt these pets knowing the heartbreak that will inevitably come? But we do it because we know that the love of a dog or a cat or whatever you may have, is worth it. I believe that they give us so much more than we give them. And that is why I will continue to adopt pets not only into my home, but into my heart. 

Life Revelations and Brick Throwing

So, I had another entire blog post written and for some reason I could't press the publish button. I saved it as a draft and kept coming back to it, but could never actually post. Something was stopping me from doing so. Now, I'm actually really glad that I never pressed that button. Because since I wrote that post, I have had a revelation. Cue dramatic music. 

My first draft consisted of me going on and on about not being able to make up my  mind about what to go back to school for. I wrote that I had been hovering over a few ideas but could never quite land on one. I wrote about feeling frustrated because ever since my diagnosis two years ago, I feel as if my life hit a sudden stop. I was told by everyone that I had to make a lot of adjustments to my lifestyle in order to manage this illness. I absolutely did not want to hear any of that. I told myself that I wouldn't have to change anything; that I could still do all of the things I want to do. Basically, I was in denial. I pounded my head against a brink wall for the past two and a half years. Well in the words of the War Doctor.... No More.

First off, I can't take total credit for my life revelation. One of my best friends in the entire world and one of my several soul mates on this earth said something to me in casual conversation that led me to this epiphany. So I have to stop here and say to her....thank you Kristin. You are irreplaceable and I love you with all of my heart. My revelation was that I would never work a traditional or "normal" job ever again. Unless a cure came about for Fibromyalgia sometime down the road, then more than likely I wouldn't. Excuse the cliche statement, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. (I wonder where that saying came from exactly? You know there's a story there. Probably full of drinking and regret.) Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that everyone with this illness will never be able to work traditionally. Each person has to decide and figure out what they can do on an individual level. There are also different levels of FM. It effects everyone differently is what I'm haphazardly trying to say. 

Since I began having problems with my health, I tried working several jobs where people depended on me to be able to do my job. Hell, to just show up! As I've written before, this illness is so unpredictable. Just the other day, I went out exploring our new city with Bryant and the day started out wonderful. I was in minimal pain and had decent energy. Then all of a sudden, BAM! My pain scale rocketed upwards and my energy plummeted. And that was the end of our exploration. I can have the tendency to let people down so those jobs just didn't work. But I was too stubborn to realize it. I kept wracking my brain trying to figure out what I could do that A) I was passionate about, B) Would make me feel like a productive member of society and C) Would make me feel as if I was contributing to  the care of my family. I was spinning my wheels and it was driving me insane. Until my conversation with my friend. I honestly can't remember the exact words that were spoken, maybe she remembers, but after said realization it took me awhile to well.....not cry about it. I felt as if my future was still way up in the air and completely uncertain. But then, something amazing happened. I let it go. (Please forgive the blatant Frozen quote.) And the moment I did that, I felt this huge relief. The world I was carrying on my shoulders and the stress inducing feelings of trying to be "normal" melted away. 

Now instead of having to land on a school goal, I had to land on a 'what non-traditional, possibly work from home' type of career can I do? Truth is, I've always loved to write. The entire reason I began this blog was to have another creative outlet for all of my pint up energy. I've always been afraid of calling myself a writer, or to try to parlay my love of words into an actual career. I mean, the audacity that I could even think that I could be somewhat successful?!?! How dare I?! That was, somewhat hyperbolically, what I would say to myself when I would dare to consider making a career out of this. Kristin said something interesting during that conversation that made me think about fate. Call it God, call it the Universe, call it whatever you want, but what if one reason I have this illness is to force me to do the thing that I've always wanted to do. I'm not 100% how I feel about it, but it does give me another silver lining to all of this. And as you well know, I'm always in the mood for those. For whatever reason, I am now pursuing my dream. So in a sense, I had two life revelations. I think that's about all I can handle at the moment. Too many more of them and those bricks really start to hurt.