Sexual Assault: My Story

I've had several people comment on something I briefly revealed in a previous post here, in which I made a list of my top favorite television shows of all time. Law and Order: Special Victims Unit made that list and when speaking on why I love the show so much, I mentioned that I am a survivor of sexual assault. All comments have been very respectful, with most saying how sorry the person is that I had to endure something so horrible. But, something else also happened. I had a few people private message me and tell me their survival story and ask more specific questions about mine. In the post, I also briefly discussed Mariska Hargitay's No More Campaign. One of the goals of this campaign, is just to get people talking about this issue. Because keeping quiet is part of the problem. Not many people in my life know the entire story. I chose to tell only a select few as if it were some shameful secret to be kept. I've decided that the time has come, to finally speak up and speak out. This will probably be the most difficult thing I will ever write. 

There was a boy back when I was in 7th grade that was a horrible bully. He was a total asshole, actually. I'm not sure what set his target on me...probably the fact that I had extremely low self-esteem growing up. Because sexual assault is never actually about sex. It's about power. He exploited a weakness and wanted to prove to me that he could dominate me and do whatever he wanted. It began as rude, sexual comments. I tried my best to ignore them, hoping that if I did he would get bored of eliciting no reaction from me and stop. I think he instead accepted this as a challenge and things began to escalate. He found different ways to touch me inappropriately; reaching through the hole in the back of the seat of my desk, rubbing against me, "tripping" and "falling" into me etc. I thwarted his every move, but it didn't matter. I finally threatened to tell the head teacher if he didn't stop. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were standing in line at lunch. He was behind me making comments and trying to grab me. I spun around and finally told him that if he didn't stop,I would tell and he would get in trouble and then marched to the back of the line to get away from him. After lunch period, the teachers would allow us to stand outside the lunchroom and socialize. My friend and I would always stand in this one particular corner of the wall. She left to go buy some ice cream at one point and that's when he made his move. He walked over and put his hands on the wall on either side of me essentially trapping me in the corner. He then leaned in extremely close and whispered in my ear all of the things he would do to me if I told on him. He may have been whispering, but he was angry and I could tell. He kissed me on my neck and walked away just as my friend was returning. She could tell I was visibly shaken, but when she asked what was wrong, I told her I was fine. 

I became truly scared of him at this point. I stopped thwarting his moves and he became more and more bold. This was middle school, so of course rumors began to spread about he and I; mainly about me. I got called all sorts of terrible names; slut and whore being the most popular. All I wanted to do was defend myself. Tell everyone that he was forcing himself on me. Tell them I didn't want any of this. Ask them how on earth they couldn't tell that I wasn't interested in his attention. But his daily reminders of how bad things could get if I squealed would ring through my head and I would stop myself. I lived for the days that he was absent, or the days he would choose for some reason to leave me be. The afternoons I had to stay after school for band practice were the worst. To this day,I haven't a clue what legitimate reason he had for staying after school, or how he was allowed to hang around the damn band room so much. He would usually catch me leaving practice to go to the bathroom. People were more scarce at this time of the day, so he would take his time with his torture. He'd get me off in a corner somewhere, make me let him touch me and kiss me and vice versa. Not at first, but eventually I would go completely numb. It's like my brain would shut down and I would pretend I wasn't really there. There's a lot of gaps in my memory during that time in my life. He made me feel like everything was my fault. That somehow, the blame of what he was doing was all on me. The guilt and shame I felt led me into never telling my parents about this. I told my Mom a portion of the story years and years later, but never in its entirety. 

One day I showed up at school, he started in on me as usual, and something snapped. I couldn't deal with it anymore. So, I told a trusted teacher that he had been bullying me. I felt ashamed of the actual nature of the "bullying" so I left out the bulk of the sexual element. She took it to the Vice Principal and she called him into her office. He pretty much got away with a warning but he did leave me alone for awhile. But only for awhile. He started in on me about a week later.The first encounter after that week was the worst.I shoved the memory of that day way deep down until one day, in therapy, it all came bubbling back up again. He caught me after school, yet again. He shoved me against a wall and began slapping me in the face. He said he knew it was me that told on him and that I was going to pay for it just like he'd promised. He then began choking me, hitting me etc before he brought in anything on the unwanted sexual side. I stood there crying. Taking every hit, every slap, every touch. I didn't know what else to do. All I could do was pray that I wouldn't die. I honestly can't tell you how, at 12-13 years old, I was able to pull myself together. Maybe I wasn't able to,I really don't remember. Like I said, I still have many gaps. The abuse continued for a bit longer. Then one day, it stopped. I don't know why. But I was grateful. I still went to school every day stressed out of my mind that he would start up again. But, he never did. The next year I found out that he moved away. I kept it together all throughout the day. The minute I got home and into my room, I broke down crying. 

I used to be so angry. All I wanted to do was hurt him. Emasculate him. Make him feel as weak and vulnerable as he made me feel. But I can honestly say that I don't feel that way anymore. I say that, but I'm not sure what my reaction would be if I ever saw him in person again. I googled him once. I searched for a bit, but then decided it was probably best that I didn't find out how his life turned out. I just assume he is in jail somewhere for something. And imagining him behind bars helps tremendously, so I don't think I want to learn the truth.

I mentioned therapy earlier. Therapy saved my life. I saw an amazing woman who helped me work through everything and she helped me feel like a whole person again. Actually, I credit Law and Order:SVU and Mariska Hargitay herself in pushing me into seeking out help. When I began watching the show and learning more about Mariska's foundations and such, it brought my experience rushing to the front of my mind and I couldn't shake it. Olivia and Mariska were always talking to victims about finding help in dealing with what happened to them. So I am truly grateful that I just happened to watch an episode one night on a whim. 

So there's my story. I don't want to hide it anymore. I remember feeling so alone during that time and I hate to think that anyone else out there experiencing something like this is feeling the same way. So if my story helps even one person. Just one. Then I've done what I've set out to do. And sharing this with the entirety of the internet is worth it. Please, if you are a victim of sexual assault, reach out to someone. You are not alone. It is not your fault. There are people out there who can help you. Please feel free to message me if you need to talk and I will provide a space to do so. It will get better. I promise. Even if it doesn't feel like that at the moment. It will. I'm sending so much love your way. Stay strong. 

All my love,
Kel~

Here are some websites that warrant a visit:
www.joyfulheartfoundation.org
www.rainn.org
www.safehelpline.org

Milestones

As some of you may or may not know, I turned 30 back in April. I probably should've written this post back then, but oh well. Say la vie. Society dictates that women are supposed to freak out over getting older. And that such freak outs generally begin with turning the big 3-0. Sadly, I was that very cliche for several years. I did not want to get older and between the years of 23 and 28, I would barely want my age to be recognized. But, an amazing thing happened when I hit 29. I stopped caring. Not only that, I began looking forward to my 30th birthday. What brought on this sudden change you ask? Well, I began looking back at the decade that was my 20's, and I saw some scary shit. Like some Pan's Labyrinth type shit. Especially the early years. *shiver* I have changed so much in the last ten years. I have a lot more confidence and am so much more accepting of myself, flaws and all, of which I have plenty (I will sit down an purposefully watch The Kardashians for Christ's sake. If that isn't a character flaw, I don't know what is). I also care less about what people think (Screw you. The Kardashians entertain me!) and I know so much more about who I am as a person now. 

I have also learned many, many....many lessons from making many, many.... many mistakes. Not to say I think I won't make more in my 30's, but the ones I made in my 20's, I never want to re-live again thank you very much. Seriously, I did not have the best decision making skills back in the day. Like I probably shouldn't have listened to so much Sum 41. But I definitely don't listen to them now. I absolutely do not have 'In Too Deep' on my phone's playlist like a loser. Because that would be lame. I mean, who would listen to that crap? A lame, loser person that isn't me,that's who.  

I've wondered if I would like to go back and re-live those years with the knowledge I have now gained. I think I can honestly say no.* Because there were a lot of amazing things that happened that I  would never want to change, and if different decisions were made then those amazing things may never have transpired. Butterfly Effect and all that (I don't care what people say,that was a damn good movie and Ashton was golden). So I'll wear my bad decision scars with the pride of a person that has learned from them and who looks forward towards the future, not back to the past. Everything I have been through has made me into the person I am today. Besides, if you'll forgive the cliche, age is just a number. And I damn well don't act mine. You can ask, well, anyone. My grandma has given me some of the best advice over the years. One such gem was when she told me to never let your inner child die. That you don't have a choice in growing old, but you do have a choice in growing up. And as for me? I refuse. 

Kel

*My brother Stephen says fuck that. He'd go back and change a lot of things. Including, but not limited to, investing in Google and Facebook. 

Best Authors Ever

I really enjoyed doing that last blog post about my Top 10 Best TV Shows of All Time  along with my friend Jason's rebuttal, so I've decided to give it another shot and do a list of my favorite authors. I didn't hold myself to a specific number this time though. I have loved to read ever since the days of "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish." My book collection is off the charts and I refuse to get one of those Nook things or read books on any type of electronic device. There's just something about being able to feel the pages that you just don't get with an iPad. I tried it once and hated it. Trying to read it on a tablet made me feel less connected to the story. It was less organic. Which is why I guess I still write out everything I do with pen and paper before typing it all up. Okay, I'll shut up now and get to the list.

1. Jodi Picoult: Jodi has this ability to write within the gray areas of life and leave you questioning your previous convictions on many different topics. You may think you have a fairly staunch opinion on say, assisted suicide, but after reading Mercy you will question every opinion you've ever had on the subject. I love authors that make you think, and Jodi's works do just that. The first book I ever read of hers was called Perfect Match. It is about a little boy who was sexually abused and how his parents deal with it. I think I read the book in its entirety in 24 hours and by the end I was an emotional wreck. So of course I immediately ran out and bought another title. It may only take a short amount of time to read (well, when you binge read as I do) but her writing will stay with you forever.

2. Wally Lamb: I have only read a few of Wally's works, but they were some of the best novels that I have ever read. The very first title I ever picked up was "She's Come Undone." Wally took what you could call a coming of age story and turned it on its head. His writing style is extremely raw and at times would make me feel uncomfortable. I loved it.After I finished "She's Come Undone" I read "I Know This Much is True", which I found at times to be more bizarre, raw and uncomfortable than "Undone" was. Wally is the kind of writer that I aspire to be. One who isn't afraid to boldly go to those dark, guttural places and come out the other other side beaten and scarred, but better for it in the end.

3. J.K Rowling: If I were to write about everything that I love about Miss Rowling , then we'd be here for ages. She didn't just create a book series. She created an epic empire. On the surface, the series is about wands and strange creatures and magic. But deep down it is about so much more than that. It is about good verses evil, it is about friendship and loyalty, it is about strength and courage in the face of death and destruction. I am a complete and utter Potterhead and am sorted and have spent (I used the term 'wasted' in my first draft. But then scolded myself because time with HP is never a waste) many hours on Pottermore. Go Gryffindor! I have lost count of how many times I've read these books. I tend to go to them when I'm going through something difficult and trying in my life. Getting lost in Harry's world always brings me comfort. There was even a period of about nine months in my life whilst living in Panama City Beach, Florida that Harry Potter was literally the only books I read. Thank you, J.K. Thank you for everything.

4. J.R.R. Tolkein: I didn't read Lord of the Rings until after I saw the movies. But once I started, I couldn't put them down. The level of detail alone in the world that he created should certify him as pure genius. I'm finding it difficult to come up with the words to describe why he is so amazing. I mean, how many other authors do you know of that have entire Oxford University classes taught on them and their works? Exactly. So I'm going to actually get my brother's help for this one as he is also an avid fan. (Cut to seven hours later after he finally called me back) And he was of absolute no help whatsoever. And I quote, "How do you describe one of the greatest literary minds in human history?" The one gem he did give me was when he said, "You could talk about how he created Middle Earth in order to explain where the creation of his Elvish language came from. Which is like Michio Kaku creating the next literary epic in order to explain his string theory." *Copyright Stephen McKown*

5. Patricia Cornwell: I read my first novel by Cornwell when I was around fifteen or sixteen years old. It is titled Postmortem. Postmortem was the first in her Kay Scarpetta series (of which there are now twenty-two) about a Chief Medical Examiner and the investigations she is involved in. I'm a total slut for good crime fiction and there is no other like Madam Cornwell. She is the Queen of the crime novel and is such not only because of good writing, but because she does in depth research. So much so, that she is highly respected within the forensic science community. She has given talks at the University of Tennessee, which has one of the leading forensic programs in the country. I spent a lot of time with the resident CSI for the Thomasville,Ga field office of the Georgia Bureau of Investigation during my internship there. I became almost uncontrollably jealous of him when he told me he attended one of said talks while he was studying at the University. He loved her books as well and said that, as a writer, she is the most accurate out there when it comes to how forensic investigations work.  

Every one of these people have influenced me when it comes to the written word. And in the end, if I could even posses a smidgen of the talent that these authors have, I would be the happiest girl in the world.

Top 10 Best TV Shows of All Time

I’m going to take a note from my good friend Jason and write a list post. I’ve not done one before and thought it would be a fun. So here it is (in no particular order), my top 10 best TV shows of all time. *SPOILER ALERT*

1.       Dexter: They made you root for a serial killer for Christ’s sake!!! If that isn’t indicative of great writing and acting, I’m not sure what is. In saying this though, the series finale was total and utter rubbish. He becomes a lumberjack? And Deb dies?!?!?!? No. Just….no.

2.       The X-Files: This show was the beginning of the end for me. It is the first show that started my fangirl life. Of course this was long before the term “fangirl” was even a thing and before nerd culture was positively portrayed in mainstream media. I was crazy for this show. I collected the trading cards, read the books, and played the video games. I still own and watch the first film over and over again. It’s also the originally purchased DVD I bought back in 1998. Scully was responsible for me getting more interested in science and I shipped her and Mulder so hard. I fangirled like crazy when the new episodes that will air in 2016 were announced. I. CAN’T. WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3.       Doctor Who: If you haven’t figured it out by now from previous posts, I’m a bit of a nerd. Ok, I’m a lot of a nerd. And this show has stolen my heart. The story lines may be about aliens on the surface, but they are very human at their core. Not consecutively, this show has been on air for over 50 years. When the original actor became too sick to continue, the writers came up with the concept of regeneration. Brilliant!!!!!

4.       Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David took the concept of a show about nothing and made pure comedy genius. I quote this show, some say, way too much. I can relate almost anything back to Seinfeld. But I’m going to move on to the next show because these pretzels are making me thirsty!!

5.       Supernatural: Little did I know way back in 2005 that this show would take over my entire life. This show about two brothers fighting against supernatural entities is about to enter its 11^th season. At its center, it is about the relationship between the two brothers and the idea that no matter how bad or dark things get, you never give up. You #AlwaysKeepFighting Actor Jared Padalecki created a foundation geared towards helping people who struggle with depression and anxiety that is called Always Keep Fighting and has personally struggled with these issues. I've dealt with these issues for most of my life as well and for him to begin this campaign, it has endeared me to this show even more. 

6.       Once Upon a Time: Ok. So this show is fairly new in comparison to the others. Season 5 begins this fall. I love fairy tales and am a total Disneyphile as well. I also am drawn to the unconventional. So when a show about the fairy tale characters we all know and love getting turned on their heads came along, I was there. I love all of the characters, but the Evil Queen is the best. I’m a total Evil Regal and if I’m being honest, a bit gay for Lana Parrilla! Google her. She’s gorgeous! 

7.       Star Trek (All of them excluding Enterprise because let’s face it…it was a fucking disaster): My first foray into these shows and thus the fandom, was with Star Trek: The Next Generation. Ah, Picard. The ultimate captain in my eyes. An extremely close second is Janeway. She’s the first female captain within the Star Trek universe and frankly a total badass. I kind of want to be her. I honestly don’t have the words to describe the epicness of this franchise. So I’m just going to leave it at this.

8.       How I Met Your Mother: Some people may say that Neil Patrick Harris made this show. And while I think Barney was hilariously “awesome” (ha!), ultimately it was successful because of the ensemble cast. This show is definitely legen-wait for it-dary. However, the finale was horrible. How are you going to have an entire *comedic* show about a man telling his kids how he met their mother and then go and kill off the damn mother?!?!?! This is an opinion my brother and I do not share. He thought it was apropos to the series and was happy that Ted ended up with Robyn. He’s wrong.

9.       Firefly: Because Joss Wheadon.

10.   Law and Order: SVU: What can I say about this show that would do it justice? It’s revolutionary. It depicts a topic that isn’t discussed nearly enough. I began watching this show in 2003 when it was in its 4^th season. My Mom and I were into a show at the time that aired before SVU. We caught a preview of the episode titled “911” and we both thought, “Eh. This looks good. Let’s give it a try.” Best television decision I’ve ever made. I adored Stabler, but Benson is the heart of the show. Mariska Hargitay has also taken her role as a spokesperson for these issues very seriously. She founded the Joyful Heart Foundation that has helped many survivors of sexual assault heal. She also spearheads the No More campaign. It encourages everyone to stand up against domestic violence and sexual assault. The campaign also encourages people to start a conversation about these issues as 64% of Americans say if we talk more about it, then it would make it easier to help someone. Please help get the conversation started. The show also hits home for me as I am a survivor of sexual assault myself. I’ve been asked how I can watch the show after what I’ve been through. This show does not give me flashbacks or make me relive that horrible time in my life. Instead, it gives me strength. It makes me happy that the show has caused these issues to be put more out in the open.

So, there you have it…my top 10 list of the best shows of all time. But here are a few honorable mentions that I couldn’t leave off. Basically, I’m cheating.

1.       Sherlock: It’s like watching a movie written as a TV show. There’s so much detail and nuance it feels more drawn out. *Copyright Stephen McKown* 

2.       The Office: My Mom thinks this is one of the most un-funny shows ever to be made. My mother is obviously insane because this show is brilliant! Michael Scott? Dwight?! Come on! Even after Steve Carell left it remained hilarious, albeit in a different way. And then they had the absolute perfect idea of adding Catherine Tate to the last two seasons.

3.       Chicago Hope: A lot of people will say this show was the lesser ER. But I beg to differ. It was definitely overshadowed by ER and never quite got the recognition it deserved. I wanted to become a heart surgeon because of my character obsession with Kate Austin.

4.       Will and Grace: As much as I love the titular characters, this show should have been called Jack and Karen. They were just the worst kind of people but in the funniest way. I also feel as if the show did a lot for showcasing gay characters on prime time television. It did so in the way that it wasn’t some big political statement. It was just funny. It was about four friends, two of which happened to be gay.

The Jump

What in the actual hell am I doing? I’m rising a lot higher than I thought this would be. The ground seems like a million miles down and my vision is blurring.  The kid controlling the bucket chewing his gum looks like he would rather be anywhere else than here. How old could he possibly be?! Sixteen? Seventeen? Oh my god…his face could be the last face I ever see up close. And frankly, not to be mean or anything, but he isn’t really even cute! I’m going to see his uncute face in my head as I’m plummeting to my death. However, people say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. What would I see? Why am I picturing the time I was scared shitless of the suction McDonald’s Happy Meal Ursula toy in the bath? Is that seriously what is going to be flashing into my head right before I fall into the swirling abyss of the afterlife? Oh! I wonder if it is really like Hercules. That. Would. Be. Awesome. I automatically assume I’m going to hell when I die. I guess that’s what comes from watching so much Supernatural. I wonder if Mark Pellegrino will be there….. What? We’ve reached the top? Ok. Shake it off, McKown. That’s right. You’re a McKown. You come from strong Scottish heritage. Your ancestors survived three different brutal attacks on their clan for Christ sake! You can do this! Freeeeeedooooom!!!!!  I can do this. I can do this. I can-does this thing have rust forming on it?! I seem to be sweating quite profusely. Is Uncute saying something to me? I seem to only be able to hear the beat of my own heart; which is beating quite quickly. “You’re all strapped in. Ready?” Huh? What? No I’m not ready! Damn you for not being able to turn down a dare, Kellie! If you stop now you’re going to look like a total pussy. Deep breaths. Deeeeeep breaths. “Ma’am, if you don’t go within the next few minutes, I’ll have to take you back down.” Ma’am?! How dare him! I am nowhere near ma’am status! “Ma’am, when I count to three this time you have to go.” I think I answered him back with something understandable. “One.” Oh my God. “Two.” I’m really about to do this. “Three.” Holy Shit!!!! Is it over? Did I survive? I did! I made it! Good lord that was scary. They didn’t think I would actually go through with it. But I did. Now…where’s my money, bitches? 

The Love of a Dog

We lost our sweet boy Cotton a few weeks ago. I couldn't bring myself to write this post until now, and I'm sure I will still be shedding a few tears as I do so. We adopted Cotton from the Greenville Humane Society which is incidentally where I was working at the time. We had already had Prince (we also adopted him from the same place years before I began working there) for two years and wanted to adopt another dog not only for ourselves, but for Prince as well. We wanted him to have a little brother or sister to play with. For weeks I sent Bryant pictures of little puppies from work. Luckily, I was privy to the incoming pups before they were put out on the adoption floor. We did try getting an older dog but Prince did not get along with them very well. Bryant responded no to each of my text messages until I sent him a picture of Cotton. His reply? I'm on my way. I was also lucky enough to run a program that enabled me to keep holds on certain dogs for people on a special list. I totally abused that power and kept Cotton out of the limelight until Bryant could come down to meet him. Bryant arrived fairly shortly after the texts, took one look at Cotton, and said, This is our boy, Mama. And it was done. Bryant and my brother who was visiting at the time took him home that very day.

Jump ahead to a few weeks after his adoption and you come to a scene of Cotton jumping from our futon in the living room straight onto Prince's back. They had bonded immediately and were very protective of each other. They loved to play rough and tumble. They were our boys. We could tell straight away that Cotton was going to be a handful. I employed a lot of the same training techniques that I used with Prince and well....let's just say they didn't all stick. He was into everything! At four months old, over Christmas at my in law's house, he fractured his leg. This led to a $2,000 dollar vet bill for x-rays and surgery. Over the years we were constantly taking him in for eating things he shouldn't have. Anytime he saw another dog he went in-sane! No, I mean properly loose his crazy mind insane. I've never *seen* a dog go that nuts. We were mystified because he saw another dog every day of his life! When he got excited for walks or rides he would "talk" to us. I have this on film and I still haven't been able to bring myself to watch them. Maybe soon. Maybe not. Anytime I was on the phone with someone they would constantly hear me saying, Cotton, no! or Cotton, stop! We called him our Marley. 

A while back, we noticed that he wasn't acting his usual hyper self. For the first few days, we figured it was his tummy again; getting into something he shouldn't have. I gave him the tummy medicine I had learned to keep on hand at home, but it didn't seem to do any good. He didn't want to go on walks, or want to go outside period. He would only get so far before he tired out. He didn't want to eat or drink. All he wanted to do, was to lay around and sleep. We hadn't found a vet here in Atlanta because up until then, we had no cause to go to one. We were going back home that Monday so we decided to take him to his regular vet in Valdosta where I used to work. (Animal Health Center ) I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was seriously wrong. Call it mother's intuition. So, I took him to see Dr. Moseley, whom I trust implicitly, to get some tests done. The gut feeling was right. It wasn't good. You see, a dog's hermaticrit (or Red Blood Cell Count) is supposed to be around 30-35% and his was at 5%. Dr. Moseley said he never saw a dog with a percentage that low able to walk around and even wag their tail like Cotton did. We decided to give him a blood transfusion (in which Dr. Moseley rushed his own dog, Albi, up to the clinic to be the donor and we are forever grateful for this.) We were hopeful that this boost would help him start to produce his own RBCs again. And it did work....for a time. 

We got about another month of being with our boy before his body just couldn't fight it anymore. The blood transfusion lasted as long as it could. We pampered him even more than normal and "normal" was a significant amount. He was so spoiled! We noticed him starting to go down again, but waited until he told us it was time. Well, that came on a day when Bryant and I decided to go out for a couple of hours to run some errands. We walked into our apartment to Cotton up on our bed and diarrhea *everywhere*. He was whimpering and didn't want to move at all. I knew it was time. He was letting me know. I called Dr. Moseley because I knew I could trust what he would have to tell me. It's like I couldn't make the decision on my own. I had to get confirmation that I was doing the right thing. He confirmed my feelings and I hung up and broke down. My poor boy. 

We took him to a vet clinic called Pets Are People Too and we spent time alone with him in the room until we were ready. Our precious boy passed away with his head in his Mama's lap and his Daddy holding his paw. My heart could barely take it. We only got four short years with him, but even knowing what I know now, I would do it all over again and wouldn't trade those years for anything in the world. When things like this happens I ask myself, Why do we do this to ourselves? Adopt these pets knowing the heartbreak that will inevitably come? But we do it because we know that the love of a dog or a cat or whatever you may have, is worth it. I believe that they give us so much more than we give them. And that is why I will continue to adopt pets not only into my home, but into my heart. 

Life Revelations and Brick Throwing

So, I had another entire blog post written and for some reason I could't press the publish button. I saved it as a draft and kept coming back to it, but could never actually post. Something was stopping me from doing so. Now, I'm actually really glad that I never pressed that button. Because since I wrote that post, I have had a revelation. Cue dramatic music. 

My first draft consisted of me going on and on about not being able to make up my  mind about what to go back to school for. I wrote that I had been hovering over a few ideas but could never quite land on one. I wrote about feeling frustrated because ever since my diagnosis two years ago, I feel as if my life hit a sudden stop. I was told by everyone that I had to make a lot of adjustments to my lifestyle in order to manage this illness. I absolutely did not want to hear any of that. I told myself that I wouldn't have to change anything; that I could still do all of the things I want to do. Basically, I was in denial. I pounded my head against a brink wall for the past two and a half years. Well in the words of the War Doctor.... No More.

First off, I can't take total credit for my life revelation. One of my best friends in the entire world and one of my several soul mates on this earth said something to me in casual conversation that led me to this epiphany. So I have to stop here and say to her....thank you Kristin. You are irreplaceable and I love you with all of my heart. My revelation was that I would never work a traditional or "normal" job ever again. Unless a cure came about for Fibromyalgia sometime down the road, then more than likely I wouldn't. Excuse the cliche statement, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. (I wonder where that saying came from exactly? You know there's a story there. Probably full of drinking and regret.) Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that everyone with this illness will never be able to work traditionally. Each person has to decide and figure out what they can do on an individual level. There are also different levels of FM. It effects everyone differently is what I'm haphazardly trying to say. 

Since I began having problems with my health, I tried working several jobs where people depended on me to be able to do my job. Hell, to just show up! As I've written before, this illness is so unpredictable. Just the other day, I went out exploring our new city with Bryant and the day started out wonderful. I was in minimal pain and had decent energy. Then all of a sudden, BAM! My pain scale rocketed upwards and my energy plummeted. And that was the end of our exploration. I can have the tendency to let people down so those jobs just didn't work. But I was too stubborn to realize it. I kept wracking my brain trying to figure out what I could do that A) I was passionate about, B) Would make me feel like a productive member of society and C) Would make me feel as if I was contributing to  the care of my family. I was spinning my wheels and it was driving me insane. Until my conversation with my friend. I honestly can't remember the exact words that were spoken, maybe she remembers, but after said realization it took me awhile to well.....not cry about it. I felt as if my future was still way up in the air and completely uncertain. But then, something amazing happened. I let it go. (Please forgive the blatant Frozen quote.) And the moment I did that, I felt this huge relief. The world I was carrying on my shoulders and the stress inducing feelings of trying to be "normal" melted away. 

Now instead of having to land on a school goal, I had to land on a 'what non-traditional, possibly work from home' type of career can I do? Truth is, I've always loved to write. The entire reason I began this blog was to have another creative outlet for all of my pint up energy. I've always been afraid of calling myself a writer, or to try to parlay my love of words into an actual career. I mean, the audacity that I could even think that I could be somewhat successful?!?! How dare I?! That was, somewhat hyperbolically, what I would say to myself when I would dare to consider making a career out of this. Kristin said something interesting during that conversation that made me think about fate. Call it God, call it the Universe, call it whatever you want, but what if one reason I have this illness is to force me to do the thing that I've always wanted to do. I'm not 100% how I feel about it, but it does give me another silver lining to all of this. And as you well know, I'm always in the mood for those. For whatever reason, I am now pursuing my dream. So in a sense, I had two life revelations. I think that's about all I can handle at the moment. Too many more of them and those bricks really start to hurt.