Sexual Assault: My Story

I've had several people comment on something I briefly revealed in a previous post here, in which I made a list of my top favorite television shows of all time. Law and Order: Special Victims Unit made that list and when speaking on why I love the show so much, I mentioned that I am a survivor of sexual assault. All comments have been very respectful, with most saying how sorry the person is that I had to endure something so horrible. But, something else also happened. I had a few people private message me and tell me their survival story and ask more specific questions about mine. In the post, I also briefly discussed Mariska Hargitay's No More Campaign. One of the goals of this campaign, is just to get people talking about this issue. Because keeping quiet is part of the problem. Not many people in my life know the entire story. I chose to tell only a select few as if it were some shameful secret to be kept. I've decided that the time has come, to finally speak up and speak out. This will probably be the most difficult thing I will ever write. 

There was a boy back when I was in 7th grade that was a horrible bully. He was a total asshole, actually. I'm not sure what set his target on me...probably the fact that I had extremely low self-esteem growing up. Because sexual assault is never actually about sex. It's about power. He exploited a weakness and wanted to prove to me that he could dominate me and do whatever he wanted. It began as rude, sexual comments. I tried my best to ignore them, hoping that if I did he would get bored of eliciting no reaction from me and stop. I think he instead accepted this as a challenge and things began to escalate. He found different ways to touch me inappropriately; reaching through the hole in the back of the seat of my desk, rubbing against me, "tripping" and "falling" into me etc. I thwarted his every move, but it didn't matter. I finally threatened to tell the head teacher if he didn't stop. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were standing in line at lunch. He was behind me making comments and trying to grab me. I spun around and finally told him that if he didn't stop,I would tell and he would get in trouble and then marched to the back of the line to get away from him. After lunch period, the teachers would allow us to stand outside the lunchroom and socialize. My friend and I would always stand in this one particular corner of the wall. She left to go buy some ice cream at one point and that's when he made his move. He walked over and put his hands on the wall on either side of me essentially trapping me in the corner. He then leaned in extremely close and whispered in my ear all of the things he would do to me if I told on him. He may have been whispering, but he was angry and I could tell. He kissed me on my neck and walked away just as my friend was returning. She could tell I was visibly shaken, but when she asked what was wrong, I told her I was fine. 

I became truly scared of him at this point. I stopped thwarting his moves and he became more and more bold. This was middle school, so of course rumors began to spread about he and I; mainly about me. I got called all sorts of terrible names; slut and whore being the most popular. All I wanted to do was defend myself. Tell everyone that he was forcing himself on me. Tell them I didn't want any of this. Ask them how on earth they couldn't tell that I wasn't interested in his attention. But his daily reminders of how bad things could get if I squealed would ring through my head and I would stop myself. I lived for the days that he was absent, or the days he would choose for some reason to leave me be. The afternoons I had to stay after school for band practice were the worst. To this day,I haven't a clue what legitimate reason he had for staying after school, or how he was allowed to hang around the damn band room so much. He would usually catch me leaving practice to go to the bathroom. People were more scarce at this time of the day, so he would take his time with his torture. He'd get me off in a corner somewhere, make me let him touch me and kiss me and vice versa. Not at first, but eventually I would go completely numb. It's like my brain would shut down and I would pretend I wasn't really there. There's a lot of gaps in my memory during that time in my life. He made me feel like everything was my fault. That somehow, the blame of what he was doing was all on me. The guilt and shame I felt led me into never telling my parents about this. I told my Mom a portion of the story years and years later, but never in its entirety. 

One day I showed up at school, he started in on me as usual, and something snapped. I couldn't deal with it anymore. So, I told a trusted teacher that he had been bullying me. I felt ashamed of the actual nature of the "bullying" so I left out the bulk of the sexual element. She took it to the Vice Principal and she called him into her office. He pretty much got away with a warning but he did leave me alone for awhile. But only for awhile. He started in on me about a week later.The first encounter after that week was the worst.I shoved the memory of that day way deep down until one day, in therapy, it all came bubbling back up again. He caught me after school, yet again. He shoved me against a wall and began slapping me in the face. He said he knew it was me that told on him and that I was going to pay for it just like he'd promised. He then began choking me, hitting me etc before he brought in anything on the unwanted sexual side. I stood there crying. Taking every hit, every slap, every touch. I didn't know what else to do. All I could do was pray that I wouldn't die. I honestly can't tell you how, at 12-13 years old, I was able to pull myself together. Maybe I wasn't able to,I really don't remember. Like I said, I still have many gaps. The abuse continued for a bit longer. Then one day, it stopped. I don't know why. But I was grateful. I still went to school every day stressed out of my mind that he would start up again. But, he never did. The next year I found out that he moved away. I kept it together all throughout the day. The minute I got home and into my room, I broke down crying. 

I used to be so angry. All I wanted to do was hurt him. Emasculate him. Make him feel as weak and vulnerable as he made me feel. But I can honestly say that I don't feel that way anymore. I say that, but I'm not sure what my reaction would be if I ever saw him in person again. I googled him once. I searched for a bit, but then decided it was probably best that I didn't find out how his life turned out. I just assume he is in jail somewhere for something. And imagining him behind bars helps tremendously, so I don't think I want to learn the truth.

I mentioned therapy earlier. Therapy saved my life. I saw an amazing woman who helped me work through everything and she helped me feel like a whole person again. Actually, I credit Law and Order:SVU and Mariska Hargitay herself in pushing me into seeking out help. When I began watching the show and learning more about Mariska's foundations and such, it brought my experience rushing to the front of my mind and I couldn't shake it. Olivia and Mariska were always talking to victims about finding help in dealing with what happened to them. So I am truly grateful that I just happened to watch an episode one night on a whim. 

So there's my story. I don't want to hide it anymore. I remember feeling so alone during that time and I hate to think that anyone else out there experiencing something like this is feeling the same way. So if my story helps even one person. Just one. Then I've done what I've set out to do. And sharing this with the entirety of the internet is worth it. Please, if you are a victim of sexual assault, reach out to someone. You are not alone. It is not your fault. There are people out there who can help you. Please feel free to message me if you need to talk and I will provide a space to do so. It will get better. I promise. Even if it doesn't feel like that at the moment. It will. I'm sending so much love your way. Stay strong. 

All my love,
Kel~

Here are some websites that warrant a visit:
www.joyfulheartfoundation.org
www.rainn.org
www.safehelpline.org